Today’s guest blog is by Kandace Rather. I reached out to her because of her ministry to “other women.” I receive several emails a week from women in a relationship with a pastor desperately looking for advice. Kandace is able to speak to women into that position better than I ever could. You can find her at her blog at kandacerather.com. Find out more about her ministry after her guest post.
It’s been six years this month that my affair with a Pastor in our church was exposed. Let me share a few details before I get into what I really want to talk about. I share these details because I know if you’re a woman who had an affair with a Pastor or someone on staff at your church, you have questions.
We are still at the same church. The church we attend is fairly large with anywhere between 2,500 to 3,000 souls showing up each Sunday. My affair was with our Worship Pastor. The emotional aspect of the affair lasted approximately four to five months. I’m not quite sure the exact day I surrendered to the lie that I was in love with this man. It might have been the day he told me I was his best friend. At this point our friendship revolved around truly noble ministry projects that involved caring for orphans. What started out as a common vision opened the door for time spent talking, dreaming and the sharing of hearts. We never bashed our spouses and for several months we kept talking and texting around projects and during normal business hours. Then the first after-hours text came. When his name popped up I remember feeling a fearful flutter. It was business, so I justified.
Another common connection was a prayer group we were both attending without our spouses. The prayer group was truly a beautiful time spent worshiping, praying and discussing relevant issues. At the close of each meeting we would all say our goodbyes, share hugs and say our I love yous. Then came another text. “I want to say what everyone else says to you when we leave but I’m afraid it wouldn’t be appropriate.”
So, we set boundaries. We were recognizing the struggle. Fuel continued to be thrown on a fire that could have been snuffed out months before by fleeing at the first pull of temptation. With each kind word and gesture, my heart was drawn. I began thinking of ways to show him how much “I appreciated him.” I gave him notes of encouragement and little gifts of things he liked. He once called me his beautiful joy, (I’ve got a really cool story on how God profoundly redeemed those words in truth and purity) and then I was all in. I had never heard of such a thing and it challenged every thought I ever had about myself. I felt as though maybe God sent him into my life to show me who I was.
I didn’t know where this thing was heading but started to feel possessive; justifying in my own mind we were not having an affair because we were not having sex. However, I felt I needed him emotionally and I let him know that. He expressed the same feelings. I contemplated what it would look to be married to him instead of my husband of twenty-two years; a husband who came to me three weeks before a physical relationship began and repented for not loving me as Christ loves the church. My husband began to inwardly question things but told himself a Pastor was safe and would never pursue his wife. He has own story of what God was doing in him during this time. We still marvel today how God had everything in place when, at my worst, I wanted to leave this earth and go be with Jesus.
The last three weeks of the affair we began compromising physically but drew another boundary saying we would not have sex. I guess we felt this was a sacrifice we could make to convince ourselves we weren’t as bad as we felt. That boundary was also crossed the last night we saw one another. It was dreadful and we both confessed to our spouses the next day. He met with our Lead Pastor and also confessed but not fully. He held back the physical aspect thinking he could minimize the damage to the church. I met with one of our Pastoral Care Pastors and his wife and confessed the whole truth. He made a full confession a few days later.
The church took over the best they knew how. They did some things right and not so right. It’s crazy hard for everyone, even with the best intentions. We are grateful for the sincere love we experienced from some of our leaders. They are some of our greatest encouragers today. For the ones who didn’t know what to do and at worst regarded judgment in their hearts towards us, we’ve forgiven them. I resolved in my heart early on that to receive His mercy for my sin meant to offer it freely towards theirs.
It took me a few years to get a grasp on my emotions from being publicly exposed. Our affair was announced from the pulpit the Sunday after confession. They stated that this Pastor was fired for committing adultery with a woman in the church. Though they didn’t say my name, many knew who it was and all the leadership knew. Both of our families were publicly invited to stay at the church and be restored. It all sounded better than how it played out for me as “that woman.” Because our church had three services, we were able to avoid seeing one another at church.
The intricacies in these horribly painful exposures are vast. The idea that there are clear-cut or hard and fast rules only appeal to those who have little or no experience in caring for the souls of those most affected. I cringe when I hear someone make assumptions about what’s best or Biblical, using permanent markers instead of pencils with big erasers. The Bible is our lifeline and our compass but most everyone has a bias in what it looks like to love, pursue and care for all four people directly affected. After several years of working with couples towards restoration and individually with the women who had an affair with a Pastor, the “other woman” is typically the most neglected. My reason for believing that would take up too many words to explain but I’ve seen it time and time again.
Though stoning is no longer practiced as it was in the OT, stones still fly. I walk with women today who are trying to survive these stones. Every woman comes to me in a different place with the Lord and with differences in their experience. My hope and intent is to listen and discern on how to best love and care for each woman. Some women have already repented, some haven’t. Some are so broken that suicide sounds better than living. Some women are convinced they love their affair partner and can’t imagine life without him. Some women are reeling from being rejected by their church.
I could go on and on with the different scenarios but I will close with an invitation. If you are “the other woman,” I would be honored to connect with you. I would like to help you get to the root of your why; helping you understand why you turned to an affair to grasp for something that could never satisfy your desire to be loved and celebrated. My sin, the exposure and the repentance I found was the beginning of deep transformation in my life. It led to a Christ-centered life with real joy and a greater sensitivity to the suffering of others. With God’s help, I will help you unpack your story as God pursues your whole heart for His glory and your good. His mercy is abundant and calls out for you with every sunrise.
If you are interested in sitting with me for 3 days in a quiet and beautiful environment, I want to invite you to Harrison Creek Retreat in Neosho, Missouri. Maybe you need a safe, judgment-free and peaceful place to come and just let it all out? It’s possible you need someone who isn’t looking in from the outside but has walked in the shoes you are now walking in. Someone who loves Jesus and has seen Him take the ashes of profound brokenness and turn them into a beautiful story of His mercy.
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Kandace Rather lives in Neosho, Missouri where she and her husband Nathan walk with couples experiencing the pain of deep brokenness in their lives and marriages. Harrison Creek Retreat is located on ten acres that displays the beauty of God’s creation. Whether it’s sitting by the fireplace, enjoying nature on the deck or a hike down to the creek, peace and stillness are abundant. Nathan and Kandace have three married children, providing them with three “perfect’ grandchildren. Their hope and continued prayers center on Jesus bringing healing and restoration for all who cry out to Him as their Deliverer.
